
Storytelling Bouncer
“Come and see the sun rising at midnight, and the moon coming out during the day.” The comments came from a close family friend who was accompanied by Dogood’s family and friends.
One of his siblings had said that it was going to be a great day, a memorable function because Dogood was the usher.
She said the comment when a dapper Dogood in a black suit corrected them, “I am not an usher. I am the bouncer!”
It was during the cold uncertainty-filled COVID season. Dogood was deployed as a bouncer during a big family function. This was his third gig as a bouncer; the previous ones were during two church functions. His primary responsibility was to ensure people wore masks properly and sanitized thoroughly.
After about ten minutes of laughter and an exchange of other pleasantries, Dogood explained:
“Let me help you…I know what you are thinking – How can a pint-sized, beefless, twin of a maize stalk be a bouncer? I have hidden resources that preclude both brawn and violence.
“With the help of technology and artificial intelligence, we are taking bouncing and security to the next level. We have a three-step protocol.
“First, we talk. We share. We talk like we are talking right now. We discuss the disruptive behaviour as we issue verbal warnings.
“Second, we ask the offenders to imagine and visualize the consequences of their actions, and recommended interventions. I am proud to add we are always at hand to guide some whose imaginations are non-existent. The imagination atrophied. Add others who think it is a crime or a sin to use their imagination.
“Third, we deploy simulation. We invite the offender to the virtual reality booth.” Dogood assigned an air of importance and prestige to his hand as he pointed in some non-specific direction behind the house. Although his audience’s gaze followed his hand, they could not see what he had in mind: a refurbished metallic water tank being used as a granary.
“Once in the virtual reality booth, we simulate all the forms and types of physical ejection.
“The protocols have been so effective we have avoided physical confrontation. In fact, we are planning to scale up and open a bouncer training college.”
“Once again it is nice to see you. Let me show you to your seats.”
“Before we go, can I ask you a question? Why do you keep saying “we” and you are the only one standing here?”
“Because I have an army of robots ready for deployment, but we rarely use them. They are resting today” He pointed at the general direction of the granary and the farm.