The Last Sermon
Bishop Ken has never had problems writing sermons. One day he is rushing home to draft one, but when he finds his wife and daughter crying, he struggles for the whole week to come up with one. Now, he has a few minutes before he stands to deliver a sermon that addresses his personal issues, congregational and national concerns.
“Let the weak say, ‘I am rich.’ “
“Let the poor say, ‘I can see,’ “
“Let the blind say, ‘I am strong,’ “
“It’s what the Lord has done in me…”
Bishop Ken smiled as he attempted to bring his mind back to its body. Those near him were too focused on their singing to notice his rendition of Hillsong Worship’s ‘What the Lord Has Done in Me.’ He thought of the show he would have caused if they had been singing a popular Swahili chorus that is often accompanied by forward, backward, sideways movements and sometimes for him, emptying pockets in proof that there is no other equal to Jesus.
His eyes strayed from the lyrics projected on the overhead screen to the shoes of one of the worship team leaders. He could almost see the reflection of the microphone. In less than 30 minutes, as he delivered his sermon, his pair of shoes would replace the worship leader’s. He felt all the eyes and TV cameras glued on him in a competition of who would finish a full body scan and get the scoop of his sermon. But he was certain his wife and daughter’s had better things to focus on even though they were seated two rows behind him.
Today was one of those days he was reminded of how divinely inspiring the decision of the church to change the sitting arrangement was—the pastoral team, elders and deacons now sat with the rest of the congregation. Previously, they would be on the raised stage, facing the congregation. This meant that when the female-dominated choir was presenting, standing in front of them, the default screen saver was the posterior anatomy. Over the years, that had not been much of a problem until a female guest musician presented a single from her bestselling album. She had squeezed her body into a nightwear that passed for a dress, then trapped particular regions for effective display. As an accompaniment to her vocals, she wiggled and gyrated. This prompted a deacon to comment that the Holy Spirit had been denied full access. The bishop then told the congregation that the church had decided to change so that the pastoral team and church leadership would sit with the congregation. In private, however, he told his colleagues to anoint their eyes and cleanse their imaginations.
Of course the bishop meant to save the pastors and male-dominated church leadership from themselves and the Evil One. In one meeting, the bishop was categorical. “The swirling rumours are too many to be ignored — pant-less pastors, nude choir girls and ushers, and impious activities on the pews and offices. Involving body organs and fluids is taking fellowship too far. It is time for each one of us to bear his own cross; to pray for the recalcitrant organs, anoint them, and if need be, take them to the altar for special prayers.”
Ken, a senior pastor then, had a major struggle not to burst out laughing. He had a clear image of some taking turns to present their minds, hearts and other offending organs at the altar. He saw some hopping up and down and others elevating their crotches. Even today, the flash of that image caused him to search for a quick distraction to restrain himself from bursting out in laughter.
He looked at his notes. The two scriptures and a few doodles stared back at him. On another Sunday, his notes would have rivalled a thesis. Still, he remained hopeful of a revelatory word.
His mind moved to seven days ago, when it all started.
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Mama’s Boardroom
John and his siblings had been brought up in the smooth and quiet, urban life. When his parents decided it was time for the family to move to the farm, the transition was shocking. John looks back at his cheeky ways of coping with the shift by focusing on the conversations in the semi-traditional kitchen. A third of the happenings are true; the rest are tales from John’s imagination.
I will never forget the word spaying. On one cold afternoon of April 1998, Lubji, my younger brother, played the word in a tightly contested game of scrabble, thus scoring fifty bonus points and earned an unassailable lead. As he counted, he gleefully told me the meaning –the process of removing a cat’s ovaries. The meaning stuck with me and eased my suffering. Lubji had written many bingo words and there was no sign of him slowing down. On that afternoon it seemed like he was adding the meanings of those long words to his repertoire. I confirmed the meaning later and realized that spaying is not limited to cats.
Knowing my hatred for cats and Biology, Lubji, a kind soul like the rest of the family — Our parents, Mama and Mzee: my siblings, Jimmy, Suzy, Kessy, Kaleft and Freshi — felt, perhaps, that spay provided a unique opportunity for my two hatreds to converge and may be breed a passion. If that was the intention then it was brilliant for, if Biology had topics and practical lessons with interesting titles like spay, I might have taken a keener interest and even excelled at it.
I had hoped that the next time I would encounter the word it would be on my rack of tiles as I prepared to obliterate Lubji, but I encountered the word sooner and in the unlikeliest of places: kitchen, Mama’s boardroom. One night after supper, Mama and Mzee retired early and left me and my siblings in the boardroom. Lubji meant to put Mama’s cat on a family planning regime which he aptly called spaying. He mixed laundry blue with water and served the cat as the family veterinarian had advised him. The veterinarian would come over to mainly attend to the cows, dogs and chicken; questions about cats would pop as a by the way.
After three months, Lubji learnt that the spaying regimen had not worked as promised. As if to mock him and the concoction, the cat added the number of kittens that time round. This only served to encourage a determined Lubji. He told us that more ingredients would be needed. The concoction would be mixed in warm water. In went generous portions of the laundry blue, tea leaves and a bleach. “I am preparing for you a delicacy.” Lubji stirred the concoction looking at the cat reassuringly. The poor cat sat on Mama’s bench, their bench, unwittingly waiting for her goodnight milk. Lubji and the concoction were ready. “Puss, puss, puss,” he called out as he stood to wait on the cat.
The kitchen door opened.
Mama stood on the threshold. She placed her left hand on the door frame at the height of her shoulders and used the right hand to hold the door open for the rest of her to walk in. Only her head got in. Her eyes pierced through the conspiracy and the choking fumes of bleach. She lingered on Lubji’s concoction and her cat. She then let the rest of herself in.
“Overachievers! Whose cat do you mean to serve bleach? No! No! No! Not my cat! I know you have never liked this cat, but I have never complained of feeding it or its kittens. Since the blue did not work the first time round–.” Mama knew her pet had been served with blue in April. “Let nature take its course. Allow the cat to breed till it stops on its own volition. And when you have you own cats, you can decide the menu. ” That meant letting the cat breed till catopause. With that she left the kitchen. If it was not good-old Mama’s intuition about impending mischief that directed her to the kitchen, then it must have been telepathic summoning by one of the endangered lives of her beloved cat.
Lubji, with his concoction, followed her. Obedience was not a problem, not at this age, but craftiness still was. As Mama turned left to the house, Lubji turned right into the darkness. A few steps and he met his target: Poppy. Lubji was not about to let his invention go down the drain. He served Poppy the concoction. In Lubji’s words, she lapped the delicious liquid hungrily and begged for more. A few months down the line Poppy dutifully produced a healthy litter of Poppilets. The unanimous conclusion was that the blue, which was meant to be the main ingredient, was fake; a product brewed in some contraband-like place.
Poppy, was not the only other animal that needed neutering. She ranked high on the list of animals that we disliked. The others included Muiru, a black cow, and many of the cats. Poppy was a dog whose life story continues to amaze me to date. She lacked basic dog intelligence and wisdom. Poppy could eat anything anywhere anytime. She even ate chicken poop. How low can a dog sink? It was conventional for the chicken to eat dog poop. The only time she showed some semblance of above average intelligence was when she started eating eggs on Sundays.
Afterwards I asked Lubji what score he had to settle with the cat. I was certain he was not being moved with compassion because of the many mouths Mama was feeding. He told me it was about weeding out weak genes. The cat had born enough kittens and it was growing senile. It had stopped eating rats. There was this time Lubji locked it in the store overnight and the cat pulled a Garfield. There was laughter. The cat must have been playing hide and seek with the rats and mice. “We must put a stop, otherwise we will end up with generations of cats who easily forget their primary duty of eating mice and rats,” Lubji said. I couldn’t agree with him more. I made a note to reduce the milk ration for that cat.
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Couples seminar: Adam and Eve
“Imagine how life was for Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden before the Fall. What did they talk about?” Judge Dogood asked the seventeen couples. Dogood’s friend, who was facilitating the couple’s seminar, had invited him to open the session.
Dogood presented his version of what might have happened.
“When Adam saw Eve, he uttered the famous words, in Genesis 2:23, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh, she shall be called ‘Woman’, for she was taken out of man.’ Adam must have been so overjoyed that he even did a courtship jig. No more hanging out with animals or staring at trees for company.
He took her through the basics. His work was to take care of the Garden. And most important, he told her they must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Besides keeping him company, Eve was expected to help him with his work.
At A Conference On Literacy & Imagination
Dogood’s only regret was that he was in Cape Town for business, not pleasure. He made his way past the registration desk. It was not as busy as the first day. The ushers in conference uniform: white T-shirts and blue jeans, were there to guide the few guests who reported on the second day of the conference. Three conference organisers were in an animated conversation. One of them furiously turned the pages of the conference program. After a few minutes, she wrote on the whiteboard next to the registration desk. Standing near them with all the worries and impatience of a nation was a participant from Tanzania. As he had registered late, his name was not in the conference program, and he was afraid he might not present. A broad smile wiped out his concerns when he saw his name and the title of his presentation written on the whiteboard.
Choirgirl
Choirgirl walked through the entrance of the upmarket cafe. A male security guard ushered her in. Her blue dress hugged her, revealing curves that are always hidden under the choir uniform. Like a woodpecker, her high heels rhythmically ate away at the café’s tiles. She swayed her hips from left and right as she made her way in the jungle of tables and occupied chairs. She scanned across looking for him, but also as if her nostrils were chasing every aroma in the air. She shifted her heavy handbag to her left hand. She had stuffed two bottles of perfume she bought as she waited to go in; she didn’t want to seem too eager to meet him.
Sermon: A Tale of Two Donkeys
“Our sermon today is based on the story of two donkeys. Yes church, you heard me, donkeys. Hee-haw, hee-haw, hee-haw!” Dogood’s braying was so convincing that some in the congregation looked around for the donkey and the owner of the pet. If he had been out, he would have fooled the real donkeys.
“Donkeys are pets in some places. For some people, donkey meat is a delicacy. Many of us have unwittingly eaten donkey meat. In some places, they are pack animals or beasts of burdens. And in other places, they become circus animals after they are painted to look like zebras. Donkeys are very generous—they can breed with horses and zebras.
Four in One
“Globalization, connectivity, networking and innovation are terms that are bandied everywhere. How much of that is encouraged in our classrooms? We are training learners to pursue disciplinary isolationism. We are sharpening compartmentalized thinkers–people who have to be prompted to turn on specific parts of their brains. I am about to tell you a joke, switch on your creative side of the brain.”
“Yet, all of us, learners, teachers, curriculum developers and all the other stakeholders, are expected to practice multidisciplinary approach to everyday issues. This can be difficult because of the deep chasms created around the subjects. In fact, in some quarters they have been advocating for the scrapping of art subjects. The language teacher says, ‘This is not Science.’ The science teacher says, ‘We don’t focus on small lifeless things like commas and full stops. If I can’t study it under a microscope, I am not interested. By the way, what is the temperature of a joke? What are the pH levels of fiction, songs or paintings?”
Destiny Motifs
Dogood wrote an expository essay on destiny motifs. He had a difficult time starting the essay as reminders of all the essays he had written over the years, most of them fictional and still in his imagination, distracted him. He saw the light when he recalled a definition he gave at a teachers’ workshop. “An expository essay is a type of writing in which the writer exposes a topic or exposes themselves to the topic.”
Do you believe in destiny, a predetermined cause of events? If so then there must be little markers or patterns or motifs that direct you along your path of life. For instance, the motif of wood in the life of Jesus– He was born in a manger to a carpenter and died on the cross. I will use two stories from the Bible to illustrate destiny motifs: Moses the waterman and the dressing and undressing of Joseph.
Judge Dogood Interviews the Interviewers
Dogood was at another interview. It had gone well, or so he thought. He had answered all the questions effortlessly.
There were three panelists, two of them male.
“Mr. Dogood, Do you have any questions for us?’
“Thank you. I have a couple. I printed them out.”
Dogood took the questions from his document folder.
“You came prepared.” One of the panelists said.
“Thank you. You can answer the questions in any order.” Dogood said as he gave them the questions.
Dogood had printed twelve questions.
Judge Dogood’s Vocabulary Lesson
Dogood was invited to Maranda County to talk to language teachers on creative ways of teaching vocabulary.
“With new words being coined every day how are we expected to master the core vocabulary?” Dogood introduced his presentation.
“The English language has many words, with many unpredictable spellings and pronunciations. Just when you think you have mastered the pronunciations of words starting with ‘ch’, you come across words like chinook, chimera, chacma baboon. How are they pronounced and what do they mean?
“With all the 21st Century distractions, the job of the language teacher has just become impossible. To say that you are expected to be imaginative, creative and resourceful is not even stating the obvious. That is why we have to use short stories, flash fiction and anecdotes to teach specific vocabulary items.